“Why” doesn’t matter as much as I thought.”
Dear 20 somethings,
Can we talk about how many different things this blog post was before I published it? Before you laid your eyes on this post it was 7 different things. I have been in such a writing mood these days. I have just been wanting to release all of my frustration, all of my joy, all of my emotion out onto this keyboard and listen to the harmonious tapping sounds that create potentially inspirational words and therapeutic entries. It’s been a second and so much has happened I wanted to condense it all into this post, but I couldn’t, so we are good for at least the next 3 days with blog posts lol.
Today I found out that the job that I was supposed to have as a copywriter for an advertising firm was a scam. I sat in the chair in the banker’s office with so many feelings, but the most prominent one was feeling like I needed to know why? Like, why? Why me? Why now? Just fucking why? My grandfather and I walked back to our cars and I hadn’t said a word. I was completely silent, honestly trying to hold back my tears because I was so upset. I felt like it was so much going on inside and this was something that I was looking forward to. It really just added fuel to the fire. So, I got in my car and drove to work, no radio, no nothing, and sat in silence, just listening to the hum of the road. I just could not stop thinking “why?” It went deeper and deeper and that "why" question started to spill over into other things. “Why” became THE question. It’s been the question, and then I started to write this blog post and couldn’t help but think about my wild obsession to know the “why” of everything or to have all the answers.
Maybe for me, what lies on one side of the “why” is my compassion, my calm, and on the other side is anxiety because I obsess over it until I find something that makes sense. Maybe for me, the need to have the answers to the questions acts as a seal, a receipt, some sort of security. It can either release me or keep me in bondage in sense. But I guess the reality remains, it’s a revolving door. The “why” doesn’t change the outcome. I’ve always put so much emphasis on knowing something, knowing what to expect, what direction, yes, or no. To not have the answers and leave something lingering is so traumatizing. The battle that is being fought is between me and the fact I will probably never know the truth and being okay with that. That’s a huge lesson for me to learn. Huge.
I have to at some point be okay with just not knowing and trust that it’s all going to work out for the better. This setback with this job is so frustrating, but I am trusting there is something bigger better. I’m manifesting that. I hope this makes sense. Leave a comment below. K. Love you. bye!
Alexandria B
