“All smiles, not at first, but after.”
“All smiles, not at first, but after”
Dear 20 somethings,
When I got up this morning I did my regular routine. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, etc. When I came back to my bedroom I saw 4 or 5 text messages and a missed call. Now, these text messages normally wouldn’t have bothered me, at least not the extent that it did this morning. Normally. But not this morning. When I read them it was like a switch that went off. It infuriated me to a point of no return. It was to a point wherein the midst of it I was thinking “why am I this upset?” And I remember calling my twin sister in crocodile tears, a snotty nose, sniffles, and everything. And she’s sitting on the phone lol, and she’s like; “Kourtney, I know for a fact this is not the only reason you’re upset, what’s going on?” In my head, I was already thinking that, but I couldn’t tell her because at that moment that was what was causing my distress. I cried the whole time I was getting ready for work, hard. I cried brushing my teeth, I cried doing my hair, I squatted down and leaned over and cried in front of my sink. I didn’t understand what was happening and why I was so emotional because it was no big deal.
Time passes and I’m listening to these videos on Youtube and there was a woman in the video who was talking about being tired, but not in a physical sense, in every sense that wasn’t visible. She described how she was emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I started to think about everything that had just transpired within the last couple of weeks. There has been so much that has happened and I feel like I was dealing with it, maybe not in the best way but I was dealing with it, and it was working for me because I was feeling what I needed to feel and I felt like I was feeling it to the fullest. Then today happens and something so simple sent me into an uncontrollable spiral. I could not catch my breath when those tears were falling. It was so intense and I didn’t understand it. The losses or the lessons that I had experienced hurt me to the core, deep deep. And I didn’t have an explanation for why and the explanations that were given to me weren’t enough. Due to my past and my experiences, I try to minimize the people I share with, so I have unconsciously suppressed everything and today it pushed through. I am “tired,” I really am. I’m exhausted from so many things, we’re just going to call it life. Life happens to everyone, it’s inevitable. As 20 somethings we don’t have all the answers or any answers, but we try and maneuver to find the best solution.
Today, I drove around for about 2 hours and I listened to music and then I didn’t, then I talked out loud, played out scenarios in my head, said some things to people in my car that I will probably never say in person, ate a burger and french fries, prayed, yelled, and cried. I was so worried about this post or any post being too sad, I didn’t want to come off as too emotional, but fuck that. I’m emotional as hell right now and I just want to release. I want to release everything that isn’t serving me well. I want to release the people that I am holding on to in hopes things will change. I want to release the frustration of job scams. I want to release the frustration of finances. I want to release the need I feel to give everything I have for someone to want me. I want to release toxic thoughts. I want to release the fear of people’s opinions. I want to release myself from the need to know why. I want to release myself from the need to have answers. I want to release myself from needing to be released by other people. Release me and when I find refuge in the freedom that I granted myself in the wake of my own demise I live. I live fully and happily. The release will not make me free of heartbreak or anxiety or anything else that intensifies the battle between heart and mind or myself and life, but that whatever I live through will contribute to my wisdom and to the people that I experience.
The awakening that we have in ourselves, in our 20’s (to make it relevant), in life make us smart, gives us a balance of logic and emotion, discernment. It’s okay to make mistakes and feel everything from them. It’s not okay to stay there. Feel what you need to feel and release yourself. Don’t fall a prisoner to the lessons, experiences, and people that you come across. Easier said than done, but possible. All smiles, maybe not at first, but after. I love you guys. Leave a comment down below about what you think. K. Bye.
Alexandria B
