My Little Corner

Dear 20-somethings, 

You know the feeling where you’re scrambling to grab your thoughts enough to just express them to your camera, type them out on your laptop, or scribble in a notepad, but you can’t seem to make them form coherent sentences and what you thought you understood yourself becomes foreign – even to you. So, then you’re left feeling misunderstood even to yourself and the world doesn’t make sense which leaves you with no sense of direction and no way to get back.

As I sit in a corner at Starbucks, I attempt to make sense of what’s going on in my head and my life. You get the picture. I often ask God why he made me so complex, why I can’t just be “normal?” Whatever that means. Why can’t I just be okay with okay? I turn good into bad, bad into worse, and worse into God awful, and God awful into “hell no.” I can’t seem to formulate the right pieces of logic, emotion, and brain power to turn around the trajectory of my growth vs the pace of regression. One begs the question how many blog posts and Dharius Daniels videos does a chic need to watch and write to get my brain in shape? I want a sexy brain too! Right now, it’s out of shape – it’s currently filled with overthinking, strain, stress, burnout, the absence of boundaries, and a trail of brokenness that I seem to leave. At Starbucks in my little corner by a speaker that plays very loud music, I ponder on what it is that I’m doing to myself that leads me continuously in a cycle that self-destructs every time.

Could it be my past? Could it be my fear of rejection? Could it be my dad who was never there? Could it be my mom? Maybe my need to overanalyze everything? Maybe the fact that I keep saying “my anxiety?” Maybe my comfortable cushy seat in the same spot that I’ve been sitting in for the last 6 years? Maybe my constant need to have control. Maybe the toxic environment that I subject myself to? Maybe the negative thoughts that I give power to? Maybe it’s me that’s keeping myself from the place I only get a glimpse of while I’m sitting in this little corner next to a speaker at Starbucks that plays very loud music that isn’t relative to how I feel or what I would like to hear trying to shuffle through the thoughts to form coherent sentences to make sense of my feelings – an internal translator if you will.

I just want it to stop, immediately. Please and thank you. But for that to happen I must readjust everything in my life to get that sexy brain a.k.a. reflect the head space that I aspire to be in. It’s scary to think about what I have to do or become to get it. But what’s even scarier is the fear that I will be 45 years old still waiting to start. I’m not going to bore you all with a list of things that have to change for me to see results, but if you think I’m acting funny, I’m not – I’m simply readjusting everything to reflect the headspace I aspire to be in. So, if you catch me in my little corner at Starbucks that plays very loud music that isn’t relative to how I feel or what I would like to hear just say hey and be happy for me.

At 25 years old I find it extremely embarrassing and hard to admit the place that I’m in mentally. It’s hard to come to terms with the reality of what I have morphed into because of the decisions that I made trying to save face or even the things I wouldn’t admit to myself. Anyway, here we are. But more importantly – here we go! 

Sincerely,

Alexandria B

P.S. Hey Siri, play My Future by Billie Eilish