Revisiting “The Anxiety of it all”
Dear 20 somethings,
The class was at 5:30 pm, I woke from a semi-helpful rest that for the time being saved me from my own thoughts. I logged on to a class that for the time being will further distract me from my thoughts. With the haunting question that is accompanied by my other thoughts I ask myself “When will I be able to do deal with these thoughts?” The ones that sit in the back of my head and hinder me from being full to other people and to myself?” “Why do I sometimes feel like I am making progress just to be pulled back in?” “How can I still appear normal and maintain relationships that don’t put stress on the people in it?” “God, why can’t I just be the girl that people from the outside see me as?” “Why is it that I have a damaged brain that causes internal pain, anxiety, worry to no end, and fear?” “Why?” “What did I do?” I write these blog posts it appears as affirmations. I am forever in a constant battle with myself. The fight to keep this part of myself concealed so that I am not left alone in the wake of people’s misunderstanding of who I am vs. what I deal with. To be so close to people, but so far away is a pain that grows as time passes and never really heals. I have conditioned myself to be so skeptical of people as a protective mechanism. If you’re not close then you can’t hurt me. If I am not my complete self do you really dislike me?
Some people think that they know a person until they actually know a person. They get close and experience the anxiety that they hoped they’d never thought they’d deal with.
People be like: “I love you, I’m with you, I don’t care about anxiety, I don’t.” “Whatever you need, I’m here”
Anxiety makes an entrance
People:
Me: I’m sorry, I just. I need a second to gather these thoughts. Thank you for sticking with me, it means a lot.
People:
Me: Hey, we good? I’m ready to talk. I was just a little overwhelmed and needed a second.
People:
Me:
Is it wrong to be this way? I used to feel so guilty about feeling down because I thought “There are so many people that are dealing with other shit, who am I to worry about this?” “People don’t have places to stay, people don’t know where the next meal is coming from, people have sick parents.” “Who the fuck am I to be worried?”
I am me, my anxiety, the internal battle I have with myself doesn’t take away from anybody. It’s what I feel. To add guilt on top of something that is barely enough for me to carry is not fair to me. I don’t want to victimize myself into a corner where I use my anxiety as an excuse. Yes, people deal with way worst shit than what I deal with. I agree. But why is what I deal with less important? I am not saying to people or the world “I am more important.” I am just simply saying that I am compelled to allow myself the process of what I feel and offer myself the opportunity to feel it, guilt-free. To feel it, to know it, to overcome it. I am not my anxiety. I am not the stigma attached to it. I am who I am. Writing this blog post at 7:53 pm, while my mind is still running its course. Listening to the humming sound of my heater to my left. Allowing my fingers to speak the foreign language of my mind as a translator for those who seek to understand, feel the same misunderstood way in a sense of therapy.
We get up, we move, we listen to happy songs (que bad mama jamma). We attempt to heal ourselves with medication prescribed by the slave masters of our thoughts, us. We breathe in the hope for a tomorrow better than today. The importance of our mindset reaches past what we think we are capable of doing. It’s okay to ask for help. I am learning it’s okay to be alone, not left alone with thoughts, but creating a healing process. You know, a better way to deal with it or see it.
I love you, be great, be smart, be true, be who you are.
AlexandriaB
