F the Feels..
Dear 20 somethings,
It has been a long minute. 35 Days to be exact. I have many reasons for not posting. Some of them may be solid, some of them, maybe not. I have experienced a few things since the 35 days “break.” Today’s post is about FEELINGS, we all have them. Those who don’t, as of right now, we are just going to call you the Lucky Sons of Guns” because I really wish that I could be you all at this point. One of my biggest fears on this planet (besides pushing a baby out of my uterus) is becoming stiff and bitter in relationships romantic or otherwise because of how people treat me sometimes, or most times seems like. I try really hard to think about how I should respond until I get to a point where I just have to say, “fuck it, I cannot deal with you,” and even then, it’s just a matter of time before I am back to the same Alexandria. You need something? Cool, I got you. You good? Okay, just checking. No, it doesn’t matter that you did what you did; we all make mistakes, need 1000 dollars? Like, that is genuinely how I tend to respond in some, if not most cases. Other cases I may get extremely emotional and block you for a couple days, but unblock because I begin to think crazy ish like; what if this person needs to call me because there is a robber in front of them and the robber says “You have one call, and if they don’t answer that’s it for you” and you can only remember my number. I don’t answer, and it becomes the end for you. I know that sounds crazy as hell, and it is highly unlikely, but that is the way that I think. Then also what if you’re going through something that I don’t know about and need somebody because it’s so heavy on you and I am still mad, and you just need someone to talk to, and I am not there. I am now starting to just feel differently about that. People are not as understanding (some are, but it doesn’t last long) when it comes to you. I make excuses for those people in my head. It is most definitely because I struggle with knowing my worth as well as so many other things. This is such an emotional and frustrating thing because I feel like I will take a few steps forward, and then I look down, and I actually haven’t moved at all. I say that this post is about feelings because I have compassion in a way that hurts me, and I don’t feel the right parts that compassion should result in. It’s usually met with……..neglect really. What I wanted to be the bridge to solid relationships is becoming a reason to build a wall. Because if people can’t get to me, then my feelings can’t get hurt. I know that that is terrible logic, I know this. I am just venting, that’s just how I feel right now. I don’t ever want to claim perfection. I am not a perfect person. I actually strive to be relatable. A few years ago, I said to myself that I want to be so lovely, understanding, kind, and relatable that people would look past the flaws that I have and decide that my goods outweigh my bad. I expressed this to someone, and they said to me, “You can control what people what people see, but not how they perceive you.”
I am not a victim or a woah it’s my type of person. I have done things without thinking of how it could impact other people after they have been to me what I say am for other people. I try really hard to keep that count very low (very very low) because I understand. I am getting tired of having the same results after working so hard and swallowing how I feel so that the next person feels complete or better. It’s almost as if I think it’s selfish to put myself first because we get so caught up in our own shit that we don’t see other people. But I suppose to the truth of the matter is if I am in a place that no longer is sincere and is being threatened with bitterness and poison shit, what does it matter? What good am I really?
I know that I have quite a bit of work to do to myself. Mental health is so essential, like probably THE most important. But, we good or it will be. I feel like this post is much of a morbid vibe. Not purposefully, though. I guess it all can’t be good at all times. I hope that this post allows someone who feels similar to how I feel or felt like this at one point to read this, and it helps or gives them the urge to wanna speak out about their experience with this “FEELING.”
“None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, but their hurt is no more important than yours, you are not a victim you are you.”
