2 weeks in…
Dear 20 somethings,
First 2 weeks of grad school, let's talk about it. The fact that I got into graduate school to me is still a complete shock. I graduated undergrad with a GPA of 2.7. I know that that isn't the greatest, but it was good enough to be accepted in the journalism and strategic program at the University of Memphis.
I wouldn't be me if I did not worry about the least important thing I could think of.
I am enrolled in 4 classes, a full-time graduate student. In the first class, I was super excited and eager to see what class would be like. I wondered if it was any different from undergrad if the tone was going to be different, are the people going to be different, and what are the professors are like, blah blah blah.
I had my first class, and it was fine. The people were friendly; the workload seemed moderate; the professor, for the most part, was chill and laid back. I began to think, "Oh, this isn't as bad as I thought.". The second class got a little bit intense. In this class, on the first day, we did a lecture. The lecture was about the different paradigms and methods of obtaining research in the journalism industry. Now, I have a 2.7 GPA and no formal background of anything journalism. The students in the class used all of these big words, making connections between each paradigm and contrasting them. I tried my best to follow along and be positive. Then we get to the third class, and it's even worse.
I really really started to spook myself out. It's like "Kourtney, you're way in over your head, maybe you bit off more than you can chew, and maybe grad school isn't the best option for you.". Yikes! In the midst of all things overthinking, I had to write two review papers for two different classes about the readings that we were assigned. These readings are academic readings, and if you know anything about academic readings, they use the biggest words to say the most simple shit. Like, why can't you be normal? I read these articles, and I got some of it, but I didn't get most of it. I wrote about what I could, and the most challenging reading was for my mass comm theory class. I mean, for me, this article was so difficult to understand that I was almost brought to tears. I wrote about what I took from the paper, and I turned it in. I mean, it was the best I could do. I emailed the class professor and was basically like, "Listen, I don't get this, like at all." "I don't know if it's just me or this is the most complex way to say this is what mass communication theory is." Either freaking way, I don't get it” (This is just me summing up in a small amount of words what the email said). She didn't respond.
Then Wednesday comes around, and I still haven't received an email back. I log on to zoom to attend her class, and she had something to say before we got into our lecture. I, still feeling defeated and like I am way in over my head, but still trying to persevere. My professor said to the class "I received emails from a FEW of you that expressed to me they didn't understand what was in the reading and that they were about to explode with panic" (I am almost positive that end part about "exploding with panic" is specific to my email). However, the keyword is FEW. That means that I am not the only person in the class who had issues understanding the article's underlining message. **BREATHS OUT** She explained to us how she knows the feeling of thinking you need to understand everything the first time around, and you feel pressure because your peers in the class may have gotten the message immediately. She says, "We are in this together, and if you don't get something come talk to me, and then we go from there." In my head, I'm thinking, trying to hide the expression that would be on my face if I had said it out loud "You are the real Muthafuckin MVP, like you the goat foreal foreal!".
All of this occurred just this past week, and I can't say that all of my doubts and fears have vanished. However, I can say that I feel a little bit better about the classes that I am enrolled in. I believe that I will do fine, you know? I am ambitious and confident on a good day, so I have to push for more of them. I have this saying that I always say, but frequently forget, "Just because they are smarter doesn't mean you're not, and just because they are better doesn't mean you're not amazing.". Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Talk to me!
