25 things I learned when I was 24.
Dear 20 somethings,
Turning 25 has been one of the most vulnerable and interesting time of my life. Year 24 or my Kobe year was full of emotional rollercoasters, learning, and unlearning things that have been apart of me since forever. But the lessons that I take with me are far greater than any down falls that I may have had. Here are 25 things that I learned when I was 24.
Planning
My grandfather always says to me and my sisters “You can do anything you want, you just have to plan for it.” I have always been an “organic” person, which is a word that use for being “off the whim.” I just go with the flow and play catch up later , but that game is little bit riskier to me now. So, learning to plan and sticking to it the new mission.
Resting is so Important
Everybody who knows me, knows that I am always on the run doing something. It could be things like going for drinks, going to dinner, sitting behind my laptop, etc. I’ve always emphasized things other than rest and that has started to catch up with me. Your body will definitely let you know when you need to sit your ass down, disrespectfully.
Saving
This year in May I quit my job unexpectedly and I had a very small amount of money saved. In all honesty I was in one of the worst positions I had ever been in financially, in my adult life. I told myself that when I got out of the hole it would be my main goal to save as much as I could. Because if 2020 has taught us anything, t is to expect the unexpected.
Don’t stay in Places that hurt you for security
I think specifically about quitting my job this past May. I wanted to quit a long time ago, but I was afraid for understandable reasons; I was insured through the company, this was how I paid my bills, and more importantly it was security. No money, no bills. However, the things that I had to deal with exceeded the value or whatever security I had. I used to cry sometimes before I went to work because of how much I hated the job. I just couldn’t keep doing it, not even for security. I had to move on and deal with whatever that looked like (it was a little rocky by the way), and it turns out that it was one of the best decisions I had ever made to date.
Don’t count your eggs before they hatch (expectations).
I had a friend a few years ago give me some really good advice that at the time I wasn’t ready to apply or accept. I called one day upset about something my natural father had done and I was hysterical and he says, “All I can say is lower your expectations of people because if you don’t expect much from them then they can’t hurt your feelings.”
FUCK what everyone thinks (including your family)
“Damn, that’s harsh Alexandria.” I know, but I don’t mean it disrespectfully. I have always been one to take into account how my family and friends feel about the decisions I anticipate on making, but in some cases I have allowed those opinions to keep me from doing things that I really want to do or feel like I need to do. Now, it may not be out of fear transferring, but out of wanting to protect me; however I need it to be my decision and MY reasoning behind things. As corny this may be, you only have one life and one of my biggest fears is looking back and regretting not doing some things, especially because of the opinions of others.
Quality is always better than quantity
This piece of advice was delivered to me as relationship advice. I admit it; I am a clingy girlfriend. I want to be under you 24/7. I want to cuddle “24/8.” I want you to sit with me while I do homework, etc. I am also the person that usually measures how much you like me and several other things by how much time we spend together. It is obviously a very juvenile way to assess something like that; however it was what it was. And partially still is what it is, but less intense (real shit). It really isn’t about how much time you spend with anyone, but how good that time is. You can have 7 terrible days that leave you in constant turbulence and you can 2 amazing that leave you full. Next relationship I get in I’m probably going to still be clingy, but at least I won’t be clingy 7 days of the week. Progress.
Minimize the amount of stress in every way possible.
I stress over everything. It could be the smallest situation that I allow to get through my gates of serene and cause chaos. I do it to myself (unintentionally), it’s really bad. Other than the internal piece to the puzzle, stress has a way of making your body feel like shit and your brain is in overdrive at all times. The physical effects in addition to the internal is a biotch. I’ve learned most recently to let loose of things that I have no control over, things that I can’t revive, and more importantly things that are not going to help me progress.
Drink in moderation
I have used drinking in the past, recent past— as a crutch. It’s mood altering and very easy to get attached to. I have found in the last week or so that if I stay away from almost everything, including humans in my most vulnerable times give me the time and space that I need to reflect and healthily get back to myself as quickly as possible. It’s not easy at all, especially when it has been such a big part of a process , but it’s necessary and in an even bigger part of the puzzle it’s possible. So, with that being said I have not drank at all, but plan on simply doing it socially and calling it a day. Cheers!
Don’t tell people how you’re moving.
Period. That’s all she wrote. This one needs no explanation.
It’s okay to say NO.
Boy oh Boy has this relationship between me and “no” been several microscopic thin lines that separate my sanity, my tears, and my happiness and peace. The way my insecurity is set up is 50% of the hesitation to invite the n word in was because I didn’t want the people that I genuinely cared about to leave and the other 50% was simply because I’m a down as bitch lol, and you do whatever you need to do to help yours, whoever yours is. However, you soon learn the lesson that everybody you call “yours” ain’t yours and now it’s just you selling yourself short to be available for a bunch by passers. If they leave because you say no, fuck em. And it’s okay to be a down as bitch, but have that same energy about yourself and sometimes you do that by saying no.
If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything
This piece of advice was given to me by my grandfather a couple of years ago. I know what you’re thinking, “If you were told this a couple years ago, why is it on the list for things you learned when you were 24?” Because something surfaced and reminded me the importance of what it means to stand for something and to have a foundation because with no effort and extreme ease you can become something that you don’t recognize. To stand for something is to have foundational roots that are planted so deep it’s almost impossible to pull, removing the plant out of it
Therapy is God sent
Therapy has helped me in ways that are both known and unknown. If you do go to therapy it doesn’t mean you’re crazy, it doesn’t mean it’s something wrong with you. It is just simply a way for you to get out things healthily in a safe place. Also some things that you feel and also things that you didn’t know you felt can be a break through for your spiritual, emotional, and mental development. At the very least, it offers a different perspective.
You have to find someway to be content with the decisions that you’ve made and are making
I have made some really good decisions and I have made some really bad ones. I have looked like a complete crazy person and I have looked like a bitch. However I looked to whoever, I had to come back and look at myself. I found that one of the hardest things is to have to face your demons and move forward knowing that you were the cause of that particular demise. Who wants to accept that? No one. But finding some way to make peace with those things will bring internal contentment. It starts with forgiving yourself and accepting what you can’t change. Or as one of my friends would say “chop it up as a loss and keep pushin.
There is always someone better
I have always been to some extent insecure about several things; whether it be my appearance, my emotional state, mental state, financial state, academic state, etc. It all plays against me. A few weeks ago I was watching a sermon and it was about contentment. One of the points that Pastor Robert Madu was emphasizing suggested that the biggest way to lose peace in yourself is to play the comparison game. And is. There is always going to be someone better, always. I have consistently repeat it to myself because I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there slowly but surely.
Cycles are the biggest threat to progress
Pastor Dharius Daniels defined cycles as “when time moves and we don’t.” This lesson that I’ve learned goes hand in hand with number 4. I have stayed willingly and even persuaded or attempted to persuade other people to stay in a cycle (not out of ill intent) because I felt that it would hurt worse to let go than to continue. Once a cycle is broken, growth can begin. I am literally a living testimony of that.
Setting Boundaries
I have never had hard boundaries, but baby I have some now. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you because I still do. But I love me more. Cute.
It’s okay to be by yourself
This one is one that I wish I could have said to my younger self. This is on my list as a reminder. I don’t have an issue with being alone. It’s good for the soul.
Be a thermostat and not a thermometer
A thermostat is a device that sets the temperature in the room and the thermometer takes the temperature in the room. Let it set in.
Consistency is key
Embarrassed to say, but I have never been consistent long enough to get any results. I don’t do it purposefully, but it is definitely one of my flaws. I really do plan on working on that moving forward.
Learn to respond and not react
Chile. Refer to number 14 lol.
Emotional sobriety is extremely important
I’m more of an emotional person than a logical person, no questions asked. I think with my heart and we all know there is not no logic in that. Some would argue there’s nothing wrong with emotional thinking and some would argue that that’s where the trouble begins. I am beginning to see the issues in thinking with your heart. Being passionate about something isn’t the problem, but being clouded by how you feel is. This doesn’t mean that I won’t be emotional or passionate about anything, but that I will an appropriate amount; 15% emotion and 85% logic sounds about right. That’s the goal, I don’t know how successful I will be in that but something has to give.
All I need is God.
I am responsible for my own happiness
In platonic relationships and romantic relationships I have noticed a pattern in myself. This pattern shows co dependency and trusting completely in the other person or persons to make me feel a way which in turn gives them the power over my happiness. Because how they would move or wouldn’t move would control my entire day and that’s too much of me that I just gave away. I am responsible for that, I am the only person that should have that responsibility and that power.
Don’t expect people to treat you like you treat them or even how you should be treated.
Don’t expect anybody to do anything for you. People don’t move that way and they don’t have to. The mistake I made is going in naive thinking the complete opposite.
