Coming of Age Moments…
Dear 20somethings,
You know when you have conversations in passing with people that at the moment seem so unimportant, but it sticks with you? It ultimately transitions into a more important topic than you first realized. I was at work, and a few friends and I talked about my decision to go back to school in the fall. One of my friends who were in the conversation said, “why, do you even like school?”. I quickly expressed how much I loved school and listed all of these reasons as to why. Another friend said, “She doesn’t love school; she likes the environment and who she is while she’s in school.” I was speechless. One because he honestly surprised me. I saw him as rather shallow and two, because he made a good point that got me to thinking. That one statement stuck with me and got me to explore the possibility that I only liked school because it was one place in my entire life where I was sure of the reason I was there, what my mission was, what my role was, and who I was. Maybe I want to go back in part because I want to learn more. After all, I feel like I do know what I want to do with my life, but maybe an even bigger part dedicated to feeling secure. I had an identity that I was completely confident in.
The structure was one of the things that college gave me, and I have become attached unconsciously in some way. I like knowing what to expect and what is expected of me. However, in life, that is not always the case. I have always been searching for myself figuring out who Kourtney Alexandria was, and I had never felt closest to that than when I was in college when I think about it. If I could call it anything, it would be a “temporary identity.” I was so in tune with who I was. I mean, you have those days where you are confused of course, but you know what role you play in that world or that space for the most part. You’re a student who is among other students who have a common goal: to graduate. You know that there will be exams, quizzes, assignments, and you know that you have to study to pass them. In college, you know at least for four years what your future holds, but after that, it is unexpected where you will find yourself in the real world. To me, that is scary to think about.
Most of the anxiety that I have comes from my fear of what the future holds. What if it is not how I envision it to be? Or worse than what I envision “worse” to be? So, it seems as if I fear the future or the unknown and not knowing where my place will be in this world.
I obviously cannot stay in school for the rest of my life. I don’t feel down about this acknowledgment; if anything, I feel as though it gives me a bit of an advantage because I am aware. With awareness, I can make the adjustments needed. This doesn’t mean that I am not going to go back to school because I am interested in journalism, aside from everything else. But I am going back with a different mindset. Once I become secure in myself, qualities, beliefs, etc., what’s to come won’t be as scary, I hope. Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Do you have any thoughts on it? Let me know!
