I feel like…

Dear 20 somethings,

I don’t know about y’all, but for some reason, I feel like everybody and they mama is in a relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong I am happy for y’all, I really am. However, I do have those moments when I am with all of my friends and their friends who have significant others where I am just like; “damn, I wanna share a beer with somebody, hold hands, crack up from little inside jokes that nobody gets but us, have a small argument about who’s gonna take care of the tab, have a bunch of little kisses, ya know the real cute shit. Then I have those moments when I don’t want a relationship, and I am super content with just enjoying “My concert” (you get what I did here if you read my other blog post), focusing on me, and school. I don’t know what to call it really. If I am being honest, I haven’t really been into into someone since my very first boyfriend. My friends might read this and say, “nuh-uh, it took you forever just to get over the last one,” and true it did. However, I feel that the part that was hard for me to get over was the relationship before it was a romantic relationship, the friendship part. Also, I know I can get so attached to a person and fall for the image of them that I have in my head. In other words, they can have many things that I like about them that are a part of reality, but GIANT things that I don’t like and I filter that part with the image in my head. It is obviously not fair for me to project that on them, but I see what they could be, and I think that takes over. Not saying that they are terrible people, it’s just particulars that I don’t like. It turns out that that filter is what I fall hard for, and sometimes the filter doesn’t allow me to genuinely give the person a chance. I don’t do it on purpose, I don’t just go looking for things, but I do have a weird track record when it comes to guys from my past. This isn’t a post that is a cry for a boyfriend, because trust me I can do without. It’s just me venting about what I feel. At this point, I am perplexed, obviously. I don’t know what I want exactly in a man, but I know what I don’t want, and that is a beginning.

I was having a conversation with one of my friends, and I had just thrown out some qualities that I would like to see in a man for myself, and he goes, “mhmmmmmmm, your standards are just too high.” First of all, one of the things that I threw out was that he had a car, and if that it is “too high,” oh well. I meet so many amazing people and guys, and I immediately go to “I am in school, and I am focused,” but sometimes I mean it, and sometimes I don’t. It’s almost like a protection mechanism. I entertain many things and let people in the door, but I don’t think I give them an honest chance. As I said, it is not purposefully, it maybe has to do with some insecurities that I have with myself, and I would much rather leave me them at the surface than give them a reason that they could possibly not like me. I suppose that translates into the fear of rejection. Yikes Kourtney, maybe that is what it is. I don’t know, guys. This is a current thought that is going on.

This is a must that I figure out before I get into a relationship. I know as many other people that getting into a relationship and then trying to figure out what's going on with you is a set up for failure. Let me just say it one more time, "SET UP FOR FAILURE!". I was always so conscious about sharing how I feel about relationships and not having a boyfriend. There is a stigma that comes with women who talk about boyfriends and all that. Really, fuck the stigma. Sometimes I want a boyfriend, and sometimes I don't. Let's not get it confused, I know that I am sufficient alone, and we all are. We just ya know in some moments want a little bit of companionship. It" ll come at the right time for me. In the meantime, I will have a sip or sips of something, read a book, continue to learn me, learn some things about other stuff, drink my water, pray, and just do me. I'm going to be so good at doing Kourtney and loving her that when that time does come, I'm not settling, I'm contemplating fears of rejection, or confused about anything.

Do y’all understand what I mean or is this just a bunch of confusion? This is a place that is “H.O.T.,” shout out to Micheal Todd. It just means honest, open, and transparent. Talk to me.