“The Interview”
Dear 20 somethings,
I have, over the last couple of weeks, watched a collage of videos and made decisions that have, to some extent, inspired this interview with myself. It is so important that we ask ourselves questions that only we can answer. To say it out loud or to write on a blog, to express it in a way that is true and in a way that is therapeutic. To not only say it or write it, but to mean it and be unapologetic about it. There are honestly so many processes that we start with good intention. The purpose behind it gets lost somewhere in translation that comes from the static of the desire to have permission to be who you are, the influence, the fear of being alone, the fear of rejection, the contradictions the lie on the inside of who we are because of who we try and be on the outside. Cicely Tyson says that for some reason, we often look for answers outside of ourselves when we should be looking inward. I hope that after reading this post, you ask yourself these same questions and think about them.
You meet so many people from different walks of life. You are so many people to so many people, but if you had to define yourself in your own way, who would you say that you are?
It is so difficult to answer that question. The first thing that comes to mind is so many of my characteristics, the good ones and the bad ones (of course, all to my judgment). Things that make me, me. But to name just a few things, my bubbly personality, my fragile and vulnerable spirit. I can write out almost anything that I feel, but if asked on the spot, I stumble like nobody's watching. I play way too much sometimes. I am ambitious. I am 1000% a dreamer, but I sometimes forget to combine that with things to make those dreams come true. I am so lazy sometimes; I don't want to use energy to do anything but turn over to another side of my bed. I am anxiety-prone to many things. I love hard, almost to a fault. I sometimes think myself into a frenzy that seems virtually irreversible. I am a Christian; I believe in God but struggle with balancing religion and being human. I felt the need to separate the two trying to make it plain. And by that, I mean who I feel like I am in the world conflicts with who I want to be as a Christian (I hope that makes sense). I am a Black woman, and I am proud of it. And I am a prayer of someone somewhere that has been manifested.
2. What do you think your purpose is on this earth? What do you think you were put here to do?
If I can be completely honest, I have no idea at this very moment what my purpose in life is. I like to write, love to write even. And I am good at it, but I don't know if this is what I was put here to do. It would make sense if this was my purpose because I am good at it, and eventually, maybe it will touch some people, but I am not 100% sure. I battle this question a lot because of the fear that it may take my whole life to figure it out, or maybe it might not take long at all, but I don't want to go back to being so caught up and consumed with trying to find my purpose in life that I miss it. I want to live, learn, make errors, continue to write, and it will reveal itself. I know that, in a way, this is so cliche (BARS, lol), but it's true. Some people know their purpose at young ages and some people find it later in life, but I think that what's as important as finding your purpose in life is that you don't miss life by consuming yourself and forcing things. That is a big lesson to learn. I did that for about two and a half years before I was like, "I'm tired."
3. What is your spiritual routine, not religious, spiritual? How do you stay balanced in every way (physically, emotionally, and mentally)?
I do not have one at all, which is so bad and so unhealthy for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am one of those people who thinks it's better to be moving and busy all the time than to sit down and not do anything. It makes me feel like I am digressing by the minute. That's except for my sluggish days. I was just talking about this with my boyfriend the other day. Though I probably should've always thought about it like this, I hadn't. I said something to him like, "I feel like I haven't been doing anything, like nothing at all, and it's really bothering me, you know?" Then I asked him did he feel like that? We had been gone the same amount of time on this mini-vacay. And his response was, "I think some things take more than just a couple of days to do, some things happen over time, and just because you're busy doesn't mean you're getting things done." Lol, I was sitting in the car like, "yo, you are so right." I know how important it is to take a moment for yourself and just debrief, and I do want to get to a point where I do that. I know it needs to be now! It needs to be because I will be saying this for years to come. Seriously.
4. In more ways than none, we deal with the trauma from our pasts, and that could be anything. But the question is, how do you not allow it to harden you, build walls, or give up?
I would say that I don't know if that is entirely attainable now that I think about it. I feel that to some extent, even if it's in the slightest way, it will impact you. And right now, I am having an epiphany. It's like, for instance, I felt like the past friendships and relationships that I have had ended badly that I wasn't in the wrong in some of the situations. I was good, and that it was their loss. But in my mind, somewhere I was the victim, and maybe even consciously, I felt like that but never said it out loud. And as the victim or the person who I was, played the "Woah, it's me" card, and because of that, I was telling myself, as the victim, "you're good, this isn't going to stop you. Their lost." And in some way, I built walls and even felt like I was going to just give up, but I later thought that maybe this outcome has a little bit to do with how they treated me or didn't treat me, ut, even more, to do with how I reacted to myself. Maybe this outcome resulted from what I didn't do for myself or even in the friendships and relationships that I had. This is not to say that all trauma in the past was my fault, but to deal with it, I feel it's essential for me to go back and research it. To answer the question, the outcome may not be that I have been hardened or built walls or even gave up, but to some extent, I was definitely impacted in ways that I might not have seen initially.
5. After having answered all these questions and possibly finding out things about yourself or even just reaffirming some things, how do you feel?
I feel good. I feel really good. Honestly, I feel like this was so therapeutic for me. I know I said this in the opening paragraph, but asking myself these questions helps me think them out, and to put it on this blog that people may possibly read also pushes me to be transparent and truthful. It was great, and I am happy that I did it.
